Valtsman rides unction

Yesterday a meeting of the “six strategic”, which actually belongs to the authorities in Ukraine. This is actually the President of Petro Poroshenko, the head of his administration, Boris Lozhkyn, Security Council Secretary Oleksandr Turchynov, Prime Minister Vladimir Groisman, the Minister of Internal Affairs Arsen Avakov, and head of the SBU Basil Hrycak.

Until recently, the “Six” was “the seven”, because its composition entered and the speaker of parliament. However, the current head of the legislature Andrew Paruby unlucky. He was not included in the persons who may be collected late at night and watch the Valtsman comes to the necessary standard.

Paruby, of course, a pity, but he pretends that actually no “six” and “seven” does not exist. “It’s a myth!”, - Says Andrew reporters, wiping male tears. Mythical “six”, however, does not prevent Paruby constantly loitering in the AP to penetrate the “strategic meeting”. He has to go to various tricks. That pretend a cleaner aunt Glasha, which conducts the cleaning in the room, easy to get under the table at the right time to come to light before the drenched eyes guarantor of the nation.

I must say, to the eccentricities Parubiya treated with understanding, it is not being driven immediately give to sit in a chair to talk about the next secret of Putin’s plan. But then still put out the door. Speaker long whining in the hallway, scratching, though decisions are made without him. So, the “Six” met on an important occasion - summarizing “the invasion of the Moscow clergy in Kyiv” and the development of measures to “counter Putin’s religious and mental aggression.” Nearly one hundred thousand faithful who passed July 27 to the main street of the Ukrainian capital, forced the representatives of the regime often change diapers in a refrigerated air-conditioned rooms. We hit a Avakov, who was to undermine the Vladimir Hill, and not to let religious procession. Minister sluggish otbrehivalsya, referring to a large number of believers who would in any broke through the cordons of new police officers. Valtsman was strict and focused. Only by constantly twitching right eye gave him some inner tension.

The problem lay in the fact that the day after the religious procession had to carry out the “right celebration”, dedicated to the Baptism of Russia, with the participation again right “Kiev Patriarchate” headed by Filaret. Therefore it is necessary to surpass “the Moscow priests” and collect a minimum of two hundred thousand representatives of the UOC-KP, to demonstrate to the world: “Ukraine is united and wants a single autocephalous, but terribly local church.” They began to remember the Maidan, telling each other about the millions of people who came to the central square to express strong support for Valtsmanu. Now, as made to interpret the events of almost three years ago. We called Filaret and asked what the attendance of “true patriots” it can provide on the morning of July 28, when he becomes the guarantor of the nation to push it to the greatness of the Patriarch of Constantinople, which is the “spiritual dad” all true believers patriots. Filaret long mumbled something unintelligible, and with great difficulty, managed to squeeze out of him the figure “about seven thousand.” Everyone knew that he was to put it mildly, lie, and as such will not appear. Avakov offered to dress in civilian soldiers of the National Guard, “Azov”, to give them into the hands of candles and to build broad square at Vladimir’s Hill.

Plus, the staff of the SBU. Naturally, also in civilian clothes. The militants, whose external data do not include them among the enlightened congregation will have to represent the poor, poor and simple morons throughout the procession.

After a lot of arithmetic calculations and quarrels representatives of the “six strategic” came to the conclusion that not enough of some 80-90 thousand. What to do? It is impossible to demonstrate the “aggressor” weakness. The church in Ukraine, of course, separate from the state, but in fact it is necessary that something be … used to do! The entire civilized world is looking at Ukraine! In the United States going shaped mess because Trump promises if elected president to recognize the Crimea, and we’ve got a hundred thousand “terrorists and saboteurs” in Kiev columns go!

Valtsman was terrible in anger. Even Paruby quietly eavesdropping behind the door, he fell silent and afraid to involuntarily give up the accumulated gases. With him are frequent bouts of flatulence.

Exit difficult situation found boris lozhkin who requested a brief solemn service in the morning before anyone realized what was happening, and then suddenly slip away. Then Valtsman person should go to the front, where sanctify any gang, unaware of their fate to spend the best days of his life in the land. Military chaplains have come up with some appropriate occasion of a ceremony to the commander in chief could with an intelligent and enlightened views periodically anoint natural orifice airmobile “cyborgs”. At the worst come cup of excellent shooting that Lozhkyn won during the passage of paid self-defense courses in Israel. In fact, Boris Paton was simply quietly whistled a colleague, but now is not the time to go into such details.

View the guarantor of the nation in uniform and with a censer in front ranks of tanks, armored vehicles and “cyborgs” with banners should, according to the author of the script, to scare mustache … ki Putin. He (Putin) will no longer instruct his agents to bring their robes in Kiev tens of thousands of “terrorists.”

The plan was adopted with enthusiasm, because solved the problem with the attendance of parishioners of the Kiev Patriarchate. More precisely, their failure to appear. The city center, it was decided not to overlap and asked Valtsman Lozhkina wake him early so he moved it feelingly. The text of the brilliant performance of the president instructed to write to Oleg Medvedev and Viktor Ukolov. The first - the gay, the second - a pedophile. Agree that it is more worthy candidates for writing is simply impossible to find.

In the morning Valtsman felt a certain heaviness in the head, which, however, does it not alarmed. As well as the almost complete absence of parishioners patriots. One only Aavkov kept his promise, and dozens “of soldiers” Azov “has successfully portrayed the orphaned, poor and simple morons Without makeup and theatrical tricks Unlike the religious procession, celebrations were held in the military is simple and clear:.. That’s a monument to Vladimir, . but the tribune, which acts Valtsman The analogy is simple and harsh: Valtsman today as it is the successor of Vladimir cases, just the opposite.

Speech by the guarantor of the nation, and part-time and “new Baptist” hit their incredible depth. “We will not sit back and watch the attempts of other states to interfere in the affairs of our church,” - shouted the president congratulating the few parishioners UOC-KP with the Baptism of Rus. “The Verkhovna Rada has addressed, and addressed arguments to the Archbishop of Constantinople and New Rome, Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew about the publication Tomos of autocephaly of the Orthodox Church in Ukraine”, - continued Valtsman, but his speech was interrupted by thunderous applause and shouts of morons, depicting the foolish: “Bravo ! Tomos let Varfolomeyushka come - the order will bring Glory to Ukraine! “!. The Head of State made a sign with his hand, which also meant that, firstly, it is not yet finished, and secondly, invites all to shut up and listen to the end. Do more theatrical pause, during which I could hear a scratching Khatia Dekanoidze badly shaved leg of another Valtsman reported the good news: “Ecumenical Synod created a special committee to consider the petition of the Verkhovna Rada.” All gently nodded his head. Valtsman realized that pedaling topic devout Turks, he was somewhat confused audience, made his thoughts on the future of tear notch speechwriters and decided to express simpler. For this, he is familiarly called to the aid of the Savior, who, according to the Supreme Commander, has witnessed the invasion of Russian terrorist forces in Ukraine. In short, everyone should pray for the reflection of the Russian aggression. After that, the Ukrainian president’s motorcade quickly left the scene of celebrations. Everything was modest, in the military. Valtsman now preparing for a trip to the ATO zone to completely flatten the failure caused by a religious procession.

29 July 2016

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